Sometimes, we need to have hard conversations. It’s often not fun or easy. Many spiritual teachings, including my own, focus on finding the truth within you. What’s really true? What do you know in your Wisdom? What’s in alignment for you? You’ve likely heard me ask these questions dozens of times. The thing we don’t talk about enough is: How do you speak your truth in a way that others can hear?
Before we go there, we need to get clear on something else: Are you speaking your truth for your own sake? Or are you speaking the truth for someone else to receive and understand? If you want the other person(s) to hear and understand what you’re saying, then good communication skills can be incredibly useful.
A while back, a friend of mine was working in an extremely dysfunctional situation and had lost patience. They thought that blowing the doors off with truth at a staff meeting would cut through the nonsense and make people wake up to reality. Guess how well that worked? Yup, you got it – it failed. That team didn’t need or want to be blasted, and they did what humans often do – they took it personally, got defensive, stopped listening, and started flinging accusations back at my friend.
This is one of the worst-case scenarios, and, hopefully, you aren’t dealing with any situations quite this dramatically awful. But this extreme example illustrates a brilliant point: It doesn’t matter how true, right, or aligned you are – if others can’t hear it, it doesn’t help you much!
The two-step process I teach my business communication clients is the same two-step process that helps any relationship, personal or professional.
Step 1: Get clear about what’s true for you.
Step 2: Get clear about how they need to hear it.
Especially in an emotionally charged experience, I notice how easy it is for people to stop at Step 1 and not do the due diligence of Step 2. Like my friend in the example above, that often doesn’t go so well. So let’s explore these two steps in a little more detail.
Step 1: Get clear about what’s true for you.
You know these questions: What’s true for you? What does your inner Wisdom know? What’s in alignment for you?
And let’s go another level deeper and explore some additional questions, especially if you are experiencing any emotional charge:
- Is there any part of you that is emotionally triggered? What part of you is it? What does that part have to say?
- Why does this situation/relationship matter to you? Where are you caught or overly invested in the situation, if at all?
- Why do you need to share your truth? What’s motivating you?
I recommend journaling to get familiar with any elements in your inner landscape that could be informing the situation. Work through any wounds or issues that are on your side of the line. This will help you get even clearer about the situation.
Armed with this clarity, you can proceed to the next step.
Step 2: Get clear about how they need to hear it.
Step out of your shoes and step into the other person’s.
- How will they perceive your truth?
- What do they need to hear?
- How do they need to hear it?
- Are they able to hear it?
If you don’t know, you can get advice from someone who is objective and understands the other person(s) better than you. If that still doesn’t yield enough information or guidance, do your best! You always have the option of saying, “Hey, I may not be phrasing this quite right, so please bear with me.” With my husband, I will often use language like, “This is hot off the presses, and I won’t phrase this perfectly, so please be patient with me while I think this through.” Fortunately, he is always willing to explore with me.
Ideas for Hard Conversations
Here are tips that have been useful for my clients. There is no one-size-fits-all, so choose the ones that work for you, your situation, and the others involved.
- Make an appointment to talk. Generally, it’s recommended not to accost them with a potentially difficult message. Schedule a time to have a discussion when you can both be focused on sharing and listening.
- State your intentions and desires in having this conversation. As in, “I am bringing this up because I want to work together better,” or “I want to feel more connected to you because I value your friendship,” etc.
- Own your experience. Be clear that your truth is your experience. One individual’s truth is rarely (if ever) absolute, as there is only one absolute in the universe – the Divine itself. What you are sharing is what you know, feel, experience, and see based on the experience and information you currently have.
- Differentiate between intention vs impact. This is the #1 biggest confusion I see. Most people have good intentions. But our words or behavior can have an unintended impact. Your audience might listen better if you give them the benefit of the doubt about their intentions, as in, “This may not have been your intention….” In reverse, you can feel empowered to clarify your intentions and also apologize for any unintended impact you may have had.
- When relevant, be curious about the other person’s experience. Asking the other person authentic, honest questions about their experience can disarm them and often invite a new level of vulnerability and authenticity. Example: “Now, this is just the way I see things, but I want to understand your experience, because I assume it’s different from my own. What do you see here?”
- Listen and reflect back what you hear from the other person. Here’s one of my golden rules I’ve learned the hard way: Almost everyone has a wound of attunement (attunement = being seen, heard, and understood); when you attune to others, they are more likely to attune to you.
I’ve seen and heard so many different communication methods over the years; by all means, if you have one that works best for you, use it!
And when all the communication tools in the world don’t work…
Sometimes, we can’t get to a consensus on reality, no matter how skillful we are in our communication or aligned in truth. Then you have to go back to the Well of Wisdom and find a new truth, whatever it may be.
That friend I mentioned above? They improved their communication skills immensely, but still didn’t feel heard. Then two other board members also spoke the same truth at a meeting, and nobody heard them either. Those two board members resigned immediately. That was the moment my friend realized a new truth: It was time to accept reality, surrender the fight, and walk away.
Communication is an area of evergreen learning; we will all continue to learn about the best ways to communicate with our colleagues and loved ones. I hope today’s article affirmed what you already know to be true and inspired some new ideas.
What’s resonant for you in today’s article? What else have you learned about hard conversations that you’ve found incredibly useful? I’d love to hear.
And, as always, please share this with anyone who could benefit!
If you need more work-related tips on communication, check out these two articles on the Awaken at Work blog:
From Blank Page to Brilliant Talk in 5 Steps
Public Speaking With Impact: Use These Three Questions
