As a coach and healer, I’ve witnessed hundreds of people spiritually awaken. Some people awaken very gradually, like slowly descending into a smooth pond. Others have dramatic wam-bang awakening events, while others have a series of awakenings. Some people push away their awakening and experience “falling from grace.” Others patiently nourish this new way of being, seeing, and feeling.
And even out of those who awaken, even fewer still are able to do the strange and sometimes hard work of integrating all the parts of themselves and pieces of their lives. Emotional healing often has to catch up to the clarity and radiance of Consciousness. Relationships, sexuality, the relationship to the body, abundance, and the mind, all have to transform for a human to live the Consciousness of Oneness. It can be a bizarre and sometimes destabilizing process.
I had a mix of experiences on my path, probably a little bit of everything. I had dramatic moments, small moments, and gradual shifting where a process seemed to be happening behind the scenes that I only recognized after it had done its work.
In some ways, the small and gradual moments of everyday life were as beautiful as the dramatic ones. Feeling oneness with the steam rising off a cup of tea. Walking down a crowded street in the San Francisco Castro neighborhood, feeling love for all beings. Hearing Source call to us through a bird’s song. These small moments, woven increasingly throughout my life, made awakening a living reality, not just a moment in time.
But there was one particular moment of awakening that brought a sense of liberation and closure to a long journey of healing.
Once again on retreat at Mt. Madonna Retreat Center with Adyashanti, I was meditating in the big hall with 140 others, containing the urge to squirm. Despite the hot summer day, I was able to drop into a steady feeling of presence. I expanded in the feeling until I felt absolute bliss, love, and the unmistakable feeling of coming Home to the Source of Life. I was dissolved in Oneness and peace. I was gliding peacefully until a voice sliced through the stillness, “Oh yeah? Does all that love and peace and bliss exist here?” Instantly, I was thrust into a full sensory flashback of being sexually abused.
I stayed connected to the part of me that knew Oneness, Wholeness, and Love while I sat in the flashback and felt the storm of memory, fear, and confusion. As I witnessed the moments of abuse, I also recognized love. Not from the abuser – he had turned away from love. But that was his choice, and his choice said nothing about Love itself. He wasn’t that powerful. I could see clearly in these dark moments that Love was always there, Love is always there. Divinity is ever-present. Regardless of whether or not we choose to deny it, pretend it’s not there, or desecrate it, Love doesn’t change or leave.
Then I could see so clearly how the abuser’s pain, shame, and distortion were his, not mine. It had nothing to do with me. He played it out onto me or tried to play it out with me, but it was never mine. Whatever pain and hate I had internalized from him, I realized I could give back… and I did.
That day, I made a commitment: I chose to never turn from Love; I wanted to always know Love. I felt freer that day than I ever had in my life. In my body, I felt that something very old – that had even likely started before me – had finally come to rest and peace. You may remember that years before, I declared that my family’s generational trauma would stop with me. To live with and as love – and not let old pain and trauma take hold – is a powerful commitment that was healing for me and for generations of ancestors before me. It also felt like I was honoring my ancestors’ true love. As I write this, I feel gratitude to be able to do this in my lifetime, put so much to rest, and feel free to love, be loved, and be love.
